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April 8th, 2008
10:08 pm
cafeohlay.blogspot.com
find me there.
i've moved on.
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02:34 am - "sold out"
i'll probably never go out on a limb, again.
atleast not for a while.
i feel i've been doing that all too much, lately. and in the process, i'm wasting money.
i have so much to do, yet always forget about it the next morning.
or evening? shall i say?
my body is tired, all the time, and wants to sleep until 1pm. so i let it.
and then wake up and feel ridiculous, take a shower, and then maybe eat. sometimes not for a whole day, and i don't even notice. that's bad, right?
my mind is racing, and my stress is overpowering.
i've started taking care of myself a little better now. i clipped out my dreadlocks, and i started brushing my hair. i also decided not to have bangs anymore, they get in the way.
now i just need to get this "wash your face before bed" thing down.
i didn't tonight. great start tessa?
i'll never understand why this blanket of laziness came over me as of the new year.
is this my pre-year before i'm on the streets of a city pandhandling? no,no,no.
this is the pre-year before i'm in fashion school. making my way up. yes,yes,yes.
or the pre-month before i'm living back in san francisco working at sephora or "wasteland" on haight&ash, living with my mom, and taking night classes. yeah.
one way or another, it won't lead to situation #1. i don't think my family would allow that to happen, although they're totally non-conversational, and extremely unreligious [not that that has to do with an ounce of what i'm talking about, but you can see they have no motivation to learn.... much?]
here's to 3am and insomnia.
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April 7th, 2008
02:27 am
she has passion she has passion. yes she do.
hello [hopefully] LA?
:)
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April 6th, 2008
03:23 am
i drove home tonight, and as i was pulling in to do my parallel nightly park, i saw a wolf, right by my brother's car. staring at me. i was terrified, so i grabbed my empty water bottle that felt like it would do nothing if i chucked it at it, but i just grabbed it for comfort. i turned around and the wolf was already running down the street. i was relieved, but still shaking at the same time.
i'm finding day after day i'm getting more careless and careless about life.
but i do know i can't stay around dirt and cows for much longer.
i need out.
but i don't know if LA would be best choice for me.
san francisco wouldn't either, but atleast i'd be close to world peace, my mother, and what i wish could work out, but won't.
lives take different paths...
but i say, fuck that phrase. they don't have to if you don't want it.
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April 5th, 2008
12:55 pm
ps.
last night i had a dream i was a black girl, but was in a wax-type body mask of my white self. i fell in love with a boy, but he saw me as the white girl. we were hiking thru what looked like swedish towns, with really pretty churches and the greenest grass everywhere. for some reason my wax started cracking. but the boy i loved was probably a good 8 yards behind me and my friend. so my wax came off and i started freaking out. wondering if he'd still love me the same if i was black. my friend told me to calm down and that it wouldn't matter. so i did. then my "love" comes up to me and asks, "who are you?"....i cried, and then woke up.
i don't understand a lick of my dreams.
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12:42 pm
i'm sick of not being able to sleep anymore. at first i didn't mind it, but now it's starting to get to me.
i woke up this morning and couldn't even lift my arm. that's the worst feeling ever, when your arm goes to sleep so hard it feels paralyzed. now i'm sitting here listening to ladytron "black cat"..anddd...want some coffee. but i'm not getting up for a while. i'm tired. from . . .ha.
i want to go to santa cruz. and get awayyy. for a week. not that i need it. i just had a week off. it just didn't feel long enough. breaks never feel long enough. life is kind of unfair in that way. all work and some play. but never all play and some work. the generations to come need to flip that chore. and we should live without a government and light new york city on fire and run around with the clowns like in batman in gotham city.
it would be kind of fun if you think about it.
and then possibly maybe see batman for real and take a ride with him in his bat mobile. just going off into my fantasy world i guess.
i saw mr. tribble yesterday. i fell in love all over again. that man is a gift to the world. really. and he's sharing his gift with a set of new students every year. what a rewarding thing.
i think i may go to the bay tonight.
and to get away. just for one night.
and not see anyone or do anything.
just stare at the stars on a hill.
and then come back.
it would be worth it, just for 20 minutes of my life.
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April 4th, 2008
02:29 am
i got a note passed to me in poly sci today asking if i would rather be a pirate or a ninja.
i picked ninja.
and i am now dubbed tessa lee in political science. not by choice.
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April 3rd, 2008
03:03 am
since when did it turn into such a competition
since when did all the insignificant things matter, now?
since when did i feel so, objective?
i'm not okay.
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April 2nd, 2008
03:25 am
i'm on my macbook. it's exciting, but hard at the same time. i was an hp girl for liiiife.
but not anymooore. this operating system is nuts. leopard, rawr.
the mousepad is a trip. it feels like paper.
or something.
i also realized tonight that some people are just better off.
or that some people don't deserve your friendship.
or that maybe "you're" just better off?...without . . . because they can't take a friendship seriously?
or maybe they messed things up. or maybe they didn't for that matter? but aren't doing anything to make progress in any form of progression.
i guess things like that can't be helped.
but we live & we learn....
i still remember when she and him screamed at eachother the loudest they ever could. while carrying down angrily boxes of dishes that weren't used enough, hauling a mattress that wouldn't be slept in anymore, cuss words that wouldn't leave her memory, heartbreak that broke [fully]...
and i've seen nobody make it out of this world alive.
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March 31st, 2008
02:02 am
i just got really scared.
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01:37 am
annie's picture slideshow was darling. pictures of runway shows, her models she dressed, brooklyn, new york, yumyumcannolis, kona hawaii, her groups, etc. seriously. something felt different inside of me. i didn't know exactly what it was. tons of random people around me singing christian songs. putting their hands up to the ceilings. i didn't know how to react. so i just should there. every now and then looking down at my feet. then looking back up to read the words on the screen. at one point i was singing, with my lips. i didn't even realize? it just happened. after i had a coconut cookie, and a bite of amanda's coconut cake. everything was hawaiian themed due to annie being back. twas cute. everything fit. after church-going, annie, mikey, and i went to coffee. i got my nightly mocha, the girl spelt my name "tasa" on the cup,i laughed. we talked & talked. about religion. my viewpoints. piercings. cigarettes. tattoos. ups & downs of the past 6 months. how we want to be happier (mikey & i)....
annie and i were driving back to her house when i just flat out said, "i want to accept jesus into my life!!"
she got excited and told me to follow after her.
i'd repeat the prayer but i don't know how.
anyway...she spoke, i repeated, and we screamed after and laughed.it was cute..
we went back to annie's where we took advantage of her macbook photobooth. we were silly. we formed multiple chins in seconds,and made out with our twin faces.
we started talking more about religion and she gave me her bible...which has inscribed "annie <3's jesus" on the side.
she started talking to me about my dad and my fam. and how everything got messed up and how it's okay and how it will all turn out okayi n the end.
i started crying. annie did too. it was an intense moment. definitely definitely.
i ended up leaving. she had more clothes to put away from coming back.
i had to go home.
i cried in my car a little more.
now i'm here. it's almost 2am. and insomnia has me at the neck.
i want to type up my fidm essay right now, but i feel like there will be a better time for that. even though i'm in a writing mood.
it can wait.
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March 30th, 2008
06:37 pm - non-church go'er. but this time. i will.
i'm supposed to be heading over to a church to watch annie's picture slideshow from new york and hawaii. instead, i decide to type a journal entry and listen to santogold-"switch and graeme remix"...yum,and waste time when i should clearly be leaving. i need some down time. i drive too much. i need a coffee too. preferably with devian? now. oh, and a good conversation. he's capable of giving me that. not everyone is capable of delivering such a gift.if you think about it.
can i get get get to know know know you better better babeh........ can i get get to know know know you better better better babehhhhhhhhh.......!
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11:42 am - laughin like a seagull
the more and more i come here the more and more i realize that the city life isn't for me. the kids around here are stuck up. if you don't go to "academy" you're not anything. if you don't go to "fidm" you're not anything. bullshit?
i 'would' go to fidm. i'm just too damn lazy to get people to answer questions about me on a peice of paper with yes or no answers. it just all seems to vague, and fake.
there's alot more to me then "yes" and "no's"............
anyhow-last night i got lost in the woods. in my head.
i was driving by the pretty beach and then drove by the yellow house where i thought my mom could possibly be having sex with her boyfriend. the thought horrified me. i had to clear my mind quickly. the pain coming from my bladder reminded me how horribly i had to pee.
stop signs ruined my life.
50mph. to dead stop. 50mph to dead stop. 50mph[deargodhelpme] to dead stop.
i couldn't bear it. swear.
i don't want a diamond ring anymore. hence the fact that every diamond still has a hint of blood on it.
fuck diamonds.
or anything materialistic.
it's all a phase. swear. too.
you aint born typical.
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March 28th, 2008
10:51 am - "i'm tired, this sucks."
i had court this morning.
the judge was "in a lousy mood" as he said. coughing horribly after that being said.
he called me teresa ri"bitch" when i had to walk up front and plead "guilty" or "not guilty"...
tessa...teresa...why do people mix it up all the time. i want to know. how is not seeing an "r" that hard?
i'll never understand it.
my grandpa talks to everyone. so i made about 10 friends this morning. unwillingly.
a woman next to me had purple eyeshadow on and tattoo'd eyebrows, and cover up in her nostrils. i couldn't stop looking at her.
i have my trial date set.
i get to see the asshole who gave me my ridiculous 65mph in a 65mph speed limit ticket.
it will be fun to let him know he's not god anymore.
and this will be payback for him making me cry.
why does this excite me?
maybe i should become a lawyer. i like arguing and proving points.
yum.
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03:11 am - non
there's cops on every corner.
and white crystallized powder being sniffed in torn-up homes.
children who are being led the wrong way.
enforcement that's not working.
people who aren't self-controlled.
learning isn't an option.
learning is disintegrating.
no one's interested anymore.
everything's going its own way.
everything is not stopping.
and i'm scared, of the rebellion that's on its way.
i'm 'already' scared, for the future.
how is that okay?
the world is falling apart. year after year. until finally it's just not there anymore.
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March 27th, 2008
03:01 am - i've decided to stop dieing.
as of now.
cancer is no longer an option in my life.
nor is yellow teeth. i've worked hard for mine and appreciated them far too long.
done with that.
"mhm"
:)
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March 26th, 2008
02:53 am
i miss. to every level. right now. you.
and why do i feel so bad about it?
is it ever going to feel good again?
onecanhope.
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March 25th, 2008
02:22 pm
i wish it was okay to make a "deal" with God.
like,
if i die, and you're really there, and i never believed in you, then you can give me a slap on the hand and let me go to heaven,
OR,
if i believe in you and you're not there, then i get to come down and tell everyone in the world that you're really not real and there's really "no light"...and then i get to lay on a cloud for all of eternity eating marshmallows and hanging out with all of my best friends that i actually "get" to remember after death.
if there was that kind of reassurance after death, i wouldn't be scared at all.
even choosing to believe in god creates nervousness. because, how do you know?
how do you ACTUALLY know? you can't. and you never can.
only to "believe" is the only way to be accepted.
i just don't buy it.
i never will.
religion is nothing but a fearsaver to me.
people who are scared (like me) grab onto religion as a lifeguard,
except, i didn't. and i won't.
animals don't have religions.
they just live there quiet lives, not praying for anything, or praising toward anything, and just die.
do they go to hell?
that wouldn't be fair, i don't get it.
animals to me are on the same standards as people.
they have a mind, they have eyes, mouth, body, etc.
they bark (a form of talking, maybe towards other dogs)...
except, they just aren't religious.
they don't get baptized.
i don't know why i'm wasting my time.
this entry was a completely waste.
there's just never any proof.
never will be.
on another hand, people need to learn how to drive better on 580. a girl with 2 lip rings decided to cut me off almost hitting my front end, i had to slam on my breaks and then i sped up to her and flicked my cigarette at her window and flipped her off.
i enraged her.
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March 23rd, 2008
01:41 pm
i came back from the bay area early.
why would i be away on the day jesus came back? imeancomeon.
i came back to awkward facial expressions from people i didn't know, the fumes of fruits/tobacco/weed, and good music.
i never spend the holidays with my family.
probably because i don't have one. or something.
i started my period this morning. [happy easter!]
i'm in bed. cramped to all extremities.
and i just want some cheesecake.
the coachella media player is easing my frustration.
any time my grandpa asks me a question, i know i'll repeat it twice.
the second repetition never sounds nice.
it's spring break.
and i feel i need to be somewhere exciting every day.
and i'm going to be. even if that means adding more miles to my poor golf.
it's worth it. before i'm trapped in between fields, dirt, and cows again.
what did i let myself fall into? what was i "thinking"..oh yeah. i hate being lonely, and alone. in a city full of people who don't talk to you. and are stressed from their "all day" jobs. the people who fall asleep on muni when it's 6 o' clock in the afternoon.
i just want some wine & the sun.
all it used to be about was love.
now it's nothing close to that.
what happened?
or what didn't happen for that matter.
sorry though.
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March 21st, 2008
08:00 pm
bay area for the weekend.
doctor's appointment @ stanford monday 3:15.
valley monday night.
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